Benny and the other Jets get soft drinks. Duggan walks up and
stands behind them in line.
PRINCIPAL DUGGAN
I need you to do something for me.
It seems like Charlie Drumhouse and
his cohorts are going to try and
win the Challenge.
BENNY
And?
Duggan notices Snacks heading into the men’s room. He nods
his head in that direction.
PRINCIPAL DUGGAN
And it’s not going to happen. We’re
going to shut them down. Find out
what you can and send a message.
Benny’s eyes narrow. He gets the picture.
Charlie walks out of an exit from the stands, talking with
Toots and Emo. He sees the Jets following Snacks and he's
suddenly on high alert.
Snacks looks nervous. He notices the Jets and ducks quickly
into the bathroom. The Jets wait a moment, then follow him.
CHARLIE
C'mon. The Jets are after Snacks.
TOOTS
This doesn't seem like a good idea.
EMO
The Chinese master of war, Sun Tzu,
once said: "Move not unless you see
an advantage."
Charlie notices Killer coming out of the exit.
CHARLIE
There's our advantage.
Snacks washes his hands, and as he looks up in the mirror,
the Jets are looking back at him. He tries to get by, but the
Jets block his path and back him into a wall.
SNACKS
Leave me alone, guys.
Snacks tries to slide away from Benny.
BENNY
Easy there, buddy, I just want to
ask you some questions.
SNACKS
Questions? About what?
BENNY
You know what. You and your buddies
up to something, aren't you?
SNACKS
No idea what you’re talking about.
BENNY
I think you do. Maybe you're
thinking about stealing the Ryan
mascot. Perhaps you're getting help
from that oaf Killer. Why don't you
tell us what you know?
Snacks suddenly gets tight-lipped. Benny gives him a quick
punch to the gut. Snacks doubles over in pain.
BENNY (CONT’D)
Remember anything now?
SNACKS
(panting)
Yeah... that you punch like a
little girl.
A furious Benny gives him another gut punch, and Snacks
tumbles to the floor.
CHARLIE (O.S.)
Why don't you pick on someone your
own size, jerk?
The Jets wheel around to see Charlie and his cohorts standing
in a line behind them. Benny laughs.
BENNY
Oh, goody. The rejects from the
island of misfit toys have arrived
to save the day. This'll be fun.
The Jets move aggressively towards Charlie, but freeze in
their tracks when Killer steps through the door. He stares
down Benny, who looks like he might pee his pants.
KILLER
There a problem here?
Silence from everyone. Charlie helps Snacks up.
CHARLIE
You okay? What happened?
SNACKS
What do you think?
BENNY
Nothing to see here. We were just
having a friendly discussion.
KILLER
Understood. Why don’t we go outside
and have a friendly “discussion.”
They can't get out fast enough. As the door closes, Snacks
turns to Charlie.
SNACKS
I'm in.
Charlie and the others smile at this news.
Killer steps out of the bathroom. He scans the crowd. The
Jets are nowhere to be seen.
Principal Duggan stands nearby. Shows Killer a smirk, then
moves on. Killer is beside himself with anger.
The team descends on a school playground. Cocky. Assured.
Unfortunately, they look out of place as they stand in the
midst of monkey bars, swings, and other equipment built for
young children. They're dressed for school, not for training.
Calista and Izzy take the opportunity to swing as high as
they possibly can. They glide through the air, high on both
ends of the arc.
EMO
Why'd he want to meet here?
TOOTS
Probably because he knows no high
school student would be caught dead
playing on this equipment.
Izzy launches herself from the swing on the upslope,
gracefully slices through the air and sticks her landing,
right at the feet of the approaching Killer.
KILLER
That'd be impressive if you were
stealing a Cirque du Soleil mascot.
(to the others)
Okay, huddle up.
They gather in a semi-circle around Killer.
KILLER (CONT’D)
I need to see what I'm working with
here. Drop and give me ten pushups.
The team looks at each other as if Killer speaks a foreign
language. They slowly get down on the ground.
KILLER (CONT’D)
If you could finish them today,
that'd be lovely.
IZZY
I haven't done one of these since I
was in third grade.
SNACKS
Mom is not going to be happy if I
get this shirt dirty.
KILLER
Stop your yapping and get to it!
They try, but it's ugly. Strains and groans and plain bad
form is on full display. No one can get past four.
KILLER (CONT’D)
My grandmother is 83, has one arm,
and she can do more pushups than
you guys!
(beat)
(MORE)
KILLER (CONT’D)
Holy cow! Let's try setups instead.
See if you're any better with that.
EMO
Spoiler alert: no.
They struggle through the setups, and the same is true with:
PULL-UPS
Charlie can barely do one. Emo can't even reach the bars.
Toots almost makes it look easy, by cheating. He sits on
Snacks' shoulders and still has to exert energy.
KILLER
Calista?
Calista holds up her hand to Killer.
CALISTA
No way. Broken fingernail.
KILLER
I'll put you in for a purple heart.
And it's on to the:
MONKEY BARS, where no one can get from one end to the other
on the bars without dropping off and collapsing in a heap on
the ground. It's a massive failure.
KILLER (CONT’D)
So this is the hand I've been
dealt. A bunch of out of shape
eggheads who could be beaten up by
a gang of pre-schoolers. Do you
yahoos think you can at least run a
hundred yards without collapsing?
IZZY
No.
KILLER
Don't know why I asked. Run to the
road and back.
(as they run away)
Without stopping!
GROANS and PROTESTS rise from the teams.
LATER
Killer sits on a playground picnic table, drinks a cup of
coffee and reads the paper.
The team members jog up, barely. Calista and Charlie have to
help Toots make it the last twenty yards. They wheeze and
cough. Emo hustles over to a trash can and HURLS inside.
EMO
(wiping mouth)
I probably shouldn't have had all
those doughnuts this morning.
Killer folds up the paper and finishes his coffee.
KILLER
Well, this is a promising start.
He looks the group over. They're sad and defeated, like
they've just realized what they're up against.
SNACKS
I told you guys this was hopeless.
KILLER
So you're not world class athletes.
Neither were the guys that won the
challenge with me. It was a nerd
all-star team. Five guys, and other
than me, none of them had an ounce
of muscle between them.
(beat)
Let's approach this another way.
Tell me something each of you are
really good at, and then maybe we
can figure out our plan of attack.
Focus on our strengths rather than
our weaknesses.
Faces scrunched as the team considers the question.
SNACKS
I can cook.
KILLER
What? I don’t even--
CALISTA
I have a flair for drama.
KILLER
And that is going to help us how?
IZZY
I can play the tuba...
Killer is mystified at this response.
IZZY (CONT’D)
And I'm first chair, so I guess I
have leadership skills.
KILLER
There you go.
EMO
I live on a farm, so I can handle
animals pretty well.
KILLER
Now that's a skill we can use.
TOOTS
I know pyrotechnics.
CHARLIE
That's true. He knows his stuff.
KILLER
If we plan on blowing up a bridge
we'll let you know.
(to Charlie)
What about you, superstar?
Charlie searches for an answer. Then finally:
CHARLIE
I'm good with improvising. Thinking
on my feet. Learned it from my dad.
KILLER
Jack was pretty outside the box.
CHARLIE
So you think we have a shot?
KILLER
Hey, even a blind pig finds a
truffle once in awhile.
Blank stares from the team, then:
KILLER (CONT’D)
It means... oh, forget it.
Killer hangs his head. Oh God.
— ⑥
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM - CONCESSION STAND - EVENING
Benny and the other Jets get soft drinks. Duggan walks up and
stands behind them in line.
PRINCIPAL DUGGAN
I need you to do something for me.
It seems like Charlie Drumhouse and
his cohorts are going to try and
win the Challenge.
BENNY
And?
Duggan notices Snacks heading into the men’s room. He nods
his head in that direction.
PRINCIPAL DUGGAN
And it’s not going to happen. We’re
going to shut them down. Find out
what you can and send a message.
Benny’s eyes narrow. He gets the picture.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM
Charlie walks out of an exit from the stands, talking with
Toots and Emo. He sees the Jets following Snacks and he's
suddenly on high alert.
Snacks looks nervous. He notices the Jets and ducks quickly
into the bathroom. The Jets wait a moment, then follow him.
CHARLIE
C'mon. The Jets are after Snacks.
TOOTS
This doesn't seem like a good idea.
EMO
The Chinese master of war, Sun Tzu,
once said: "Move not unless you see
an advantage."
Charlie notices Killer coming out of the exit.
CHARLIE
There's our advantage.
INT. FOOTBALL STADIUM - BATHROOM - EVENING
Snacks washes his hands, and as he looks up in the mirror,
the Jets are looking back at him. He tries to get by, but the
Jets block his path and back him into a wall.
SNACKS
Leave me alone, guys.
Snacks tries to slide away from Benny.
BENNY
Easy there, buddy, I just want to
ask you some questions.
SNACKS
Questions? About what?
BENNY
You know what. You and your buddies
up to something, aren't you?
SNACKS
No idea what you’re talking about.
BENNY
I think you do. Maybe you're
thinking about stealing the Ryan
mascot. Perhaps you're getting help
from that oaf Killer. Why don't you
tell us what you know?
Snacks suddenly gets tight-lipped. Benny gives him a quick
punch to the gut. Snacks doubles over in pain.
BENNY (CONT’D)
Remember anything now?
SNACKS
(panting)
Yeah... that you punch like a
little girl.
A furious Benny gives him another gut punch, and Snacks
tumbles to the floor.
CHARLIE (O.S.)
Why don't you pick on someone your
own size, jerk?
The Jets wheel around to see Charlie and his cohorts standing
in a line behind them. Benny laughs.
BENNY
Oh, goody. The rejects from the
island of misfit toys have arrived
to save the day. This'll be fun.
The Jets move aggressively towards Charlie, but freeze in
their tracks when Killer steps through the door. He stares
down Benny, who looks like he might pee his pants.
KILLER
There a problem here?
Silence from everyone. Charlie helps Snacks up.
CHARLIE
You okay? What happened?
SNACKS
What do you think?
BENNY
Nothing to see here. We were just
having a friendly discussion.
KILLER
Understood. Why don’t we go outside
and have a friendly “discussion.”
They can't get out fast enough. As the door closes, Snacks
turns to Charlie.
SNACKS
I'm in.
Charlie and the others smile at this news.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM - BATHROOM - EVENING
Killer steps out of the bathroom. He scans the crowd. The
Jets are nowhere to be seen.
Principal Duggan stands nearby. Shows Killer a smirk, then
moves on. Killer is beside himself with anger.
EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - MORNING
The team descends on a school playground. Cocky. Assured.
Unfortunately, they look out of place as they stand in the
midst of monkey bars, swings, and other equipment built for
young children. They're dressed for school, not for training.
Calista and Izzy take the opportunity to swing as high as
they possibly can. They glide through the air, high on both
ends of the arc.
EMO
Why'd he want to meet here?
TOOTS
Probably because he knows no high
school student would be caught dead
playing on this equipment.
Izzy launches herself from the swing on the upslope,
gracefully slices through the air and sticks her landing,
right at the feet of the approaching Killer.
KILLER
That'd be impressive if you were
stealing a Cirque du Soleil mascot.
(to the others)
Okay, huddle up.
They gather in a semi-circle around Killer.
KILLER (CONT’D)
I need to see what I'm working with
here. Drop and give me ten pushups.
The team looks at each other as if Killer speaks a foreign
language. They slowly get down on the ground.
KILLER (CONT’D)
If you could finish them today,
that'd be lovely.
IZZY
I haven't done one of these since I
was in third grade.
SNACKS
Mom is not going to be happy if I
get this shirt dirty.
KILLER
Stop your yapping and get to it!
They try, but it's ugly. Strains and groans and plain bad
form is on full display. No one can get past four.
KILLER (CONT’D)
My grandmother is 83, has one arm,
and she can do more pushups than
you guys!
(beat)
(MORE)
KILLER (CONT’D)
Holy cow! Let's try setups instead.
See if you're any better with that.
EMO
Spoiler alert: no.
They struggle through the setups, and the same is true with:
PULL-UPS
Charlie can barely do one. Emo can't even reach the bars.
Toots almost makes it look easy, by cheating. He sits on
Snacks' shoulders and still has to exert energy.
KILLER
Calista?
Calista holds up her hand to Killer.
CALISTA
No way. Broken fingernail.
KILLER
I'll put you in for a purple heart.
And it's on to the:
MONKEY BARS, where no one can get from one end to the other
on the bars without dropping off and collapsing in a heap on
the ground. It's a massive failure.
KILLER (CONT’D)
So this is the hand I've been
dealt. A bunch of out of shape
eggheads who could be beaten up by
a gang of pre-schoolers. Do you
yahoos think you can at least run a
hundred yards without collapsing?
IZZY
No.
KILLER
Don't know why I asked. Run to the
road and back.
(as they run away)
Without stopping!
GROANS and PROTESTS rise from the teams.
LATER
Killer sits on a playground picnic table, drinks a cup of
coffee and reads the paper.
The team members jog up, barely. Calista and Charlie have to
help Toots make it the last twenty yards. They wheeze and
cough. Emo hustles over to a trash can and HURLS inside.
EMO
(wiping mouth)
I probably shouldn't have had all
those doughnuts this morning.
Killer folds up the paper and finishes his coffee.
KILLER
Well, this is a promising start.
He looks the group over. They're sad and defeated, like
they've just realized what they're up against.
SNACKS
I told you guys this was hopeless.
KILLER
So you're not world class athletes.
Neither were the guys that won the
challenge with me. It was a nerd
all-star team. Five guys, and other
than me, none of them had an ounce
of muscle between them.
(beat)
Let's approach this another way.
Tell me something each of you are
really good at, and then maybe we
can figure out our plan of attack.
Focus on our strengths rather than
our weaknesses.
Faces scrunched as the team considers the question.
SNACKS
I can cook.
KILLER
What? I don’t even--
CALISTA
I have a flair for drama.
KILLER
And that is going to help us how?
IZZY
I can play the tuba...
Killer is mystified at this response.
IZZY (CONT’D)
And I'm first chair, so I guess I
have leadership skills.
KILLER
There you go.
EMO
I live on a farm, so I can handle
animals pretty well.
KILLER
Now that's a skill we can use.
TOOTS
I know pyrotechnics.
CHARLIE
That's true. He knows his stuff.
KILLER
If we plan on blowing up a bridge
we'll let you know.
(to Charlie)
What about you, superstar?
Charlie searches for an answer. Then finally:
CHARLIE
I'm good with improvising. Thinking
on my feet. Learned it from my dad.
KILLER
Jack was pretty outside the box.
CHARLIE
So you think we have a shot?
KILLER
Hey, even a blind pig finds a
truffle once in awhile.
Blank stares from the team, then:
KILLER (CONT’D)
It means... oh, forget it.
Killer hangs his head. Oh God.